How to talk about miscarriage with family and friends

Published March 2023 | 6 min read
Expert contributor Samantha Payne, co-founder and CEO of The Pink Elephants Support Network
Words by Bonnie Bayley

If you’ve experienced early pregnancy loss – or know someone who has – here’s how to approach the topic sensitively.

While all forms of bereavement are difficult, miscarriage is its own unique type of grief that can be incredibly painful and isolating. Despite approximately one in five pregnancies ending in loss before 12 weeks, miscarriage is still perceived as a taboo topic that can feel confronting and difficult to discuss.

If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, early pregnancy loss (defined as the loss of a baby prior to 20 weeks) or a stillbirth (the loss of a baby after 20 weeks), you might find yourself deep in grief, lost for words or barely holding back the tears when it comes to sharing your sad news with others.

Yet, at the same time, social support and empathy from others can be a source of comfort. If a miscarriage happens to someone you know, you may struggle to know what to say (and equally importantly, what not to say), particularly if you don’t have lived experience. Here, Samantha Payne, co-founder and CEO of The Pink Elephants Support Network, shares her advice about what to say in six scenarios where the topic of miscarriage might come up.

When it happens to you

Scenario #1: You’ve announced your pregnancy at work, but now have to tell your colleagues the news about your loss. You’re not sure where to start or how to communicate your needs.

How to raise the topic: Rather than telling your whole team, many women feel more comfortable telling one person who they feel close to and asking them to share the news sensitively on their behalf. "In terms of what you say, it’s just about sharing it as it is," says Samantha.

Try saying this: "I had a scan today and they couldn’t find a heartbeat", or "Yesterday we found out our baby had died."

"You don’t need to hide it or wrap it up any other way; you can use plain, simple, upfront language," says Samantha. You can ask your work confidante to communicate your needs to the team. For instance, you may prefer not to receive calls or emails for a week, while you process your loss. It’s also fine to simply inform HR, or take bereavement leave and tell colleagues (and your boss) later when and if you feel ready. There’s no right or wrong way to cope with it.

Scenario #2: Your older child/children is/are excited to meet their sibling, but now you have to tell them the baby has passed away.

How to raise the topic: What and how much you say to children will depend on their age and level of understanding, but as a general rule it’s best to be open, upfront and honest with them, to avoid confusion. For younger children, a simple explanation could be enough because that may be all they can grasp. "But for an older child, we can actually label it a miscarriage, and empower them with the understanding that pregnancy loss is common," says Samantha. Normalising their reaction is helpful, too.

Try saying this: "Mummy is sad that the baby is no longer in her tummy", or "Mummy and Daddy have lost the baby and we’re really upset right now; we’re sorry this has happened and it’s okay if you feel sad or angry. We’re here for you if you want to talk."

The Pink Elephants’ Telling the Kids resource has some helpful ideas.

Scenario #3: Your friendship circle is full of women who are pregnant and have young kids. They were thrilled for you to become a mum, but now you have to tell them about your miscarriage.

How to raise the topic: "When it comes to telling friends, it’s about finding your safe person or people who you can confide in, rather than just being met with a load of sympathy," says Samantha. Again, using plain, simple language to convey your loss is fine, and if you don’t have the words, ask your partner or a close friend to share your news with others. "It’s okay to ignore people for a while," says Samantha. "Good friends will realise something’s wrong and find a way to get through to you." It’s also fine to set boundaries with friends, if you’re triggered by certain topics.

Try saying this: "I’m finding conversations around pregnancies and babies really heavy, so could you please leave me out of these for now? I’ll let you know when I’m ready again."

When it happens to someone you know

Scenario #4: Your friend confides that she’s had a pregnancy loss and you want to respond in the most sensitive, supportive way possible.

How to raise the topic: "With a friend, it’s about validating her loss," says Samantha. Be mindful not to use 'at least' statements (like, "At least the baby was only x weeks old", "At least you have another child", "Everything happens for a reason") – that can unintentionally minimise and dismiss someone’s pain.

Try saying this: "I’m really sorry this happened, I’m here for you if you need anything." If they have a name for the baby, use that name, says Samantha.

Remember to check in on her and her partner in the weeks and months following her loss. "It might be saying, 'I know you lost your baby a few months ago, how is everything? Do you need anything?'" suggests Samantha. "Don’t be scared to lean in and have the conversation; it can actually be a really beautiful thing for people to talk about the babies they have lost."

The Pink Elephants’ A Friend in Need resource has more ideas on how to support a friend.

Scenario #5: Your colleague experienced a pregnancy loss recently and now she’s returned to work. You’re unsure if it’s best to give her space or if you should reach out.

How to raise the topic: Don’t shy away from a conversation for fear of upsetting your colleague, because the fact is, she’s already upset, says Samantha.

Try saying this: "I’m so sorry you’re going through this", or "You must be really hurting right now", or "I’m here for you if you want to talk."

Use the way you would normally communicate with your colleague as a basis, rather than suddenly changing your behaviour around them. "If you never see them face to face, you might just send an email, but if you see them regularly or on your coffee run, make a point of saying, 'I’m really sorry, I’m here for you'," advises Samantha.

Workplaces (particularly team leaders) may want to dive deeper, through The Pink Elephants Workplace Support Program.

Scenario #6: Your partner had a miscarriage, you’re both grieving differently and it’s causing tension. You don’t know the right thing to say or do.

How to raise the topic: Miscarriage can be one of the most heartbreaking, traumatic things a woman can experience, and it’s likely your partner will need you now, more than ever. "It’s not something she will recover from a week later; she can still be incredibly upset weeks or months down the track, so keep talking and checking in," says Samantha.

"There isn’t a fix for miscarriage; often the woman just needs to be listened to and have a safe space to share how she’s feeling."

If you’re clashing over grieving styles (one of you wants to talk about it; the other has withdrawn), acknowledging the difference can help.

Try saying this: "I’m grieving too, I might not show it in the same way, but I am grieving too."

"Research has found that there are translational grievers, who want to do something to fix the grief and there are intuitive grievers, who may be more emotional, cry and withdraw from society," says Samantha.

She recommends keeping communication channels open, being honest with each other and talking in settings where you aren't rushed. Talk when you’re sitting down to dinner together, not when one of you is about to leave for work.

You can also have a look at The Pink Elephants’ Partner Advice resource.

Getting support for pregnancy loss

These organisations can help with support, counselling and information, if you’re navigating the grief of miscarriage:

• The Pink Elephants Support Network
• Red Nose Grief and Loss
• Bears of Hope
• Sands

If you're struggling with depression or anxiety, or need to speak to someone now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We're also trying to make it as easy and fast as possible for you to access the mental wellbeing support you need, now more than ever. And PSYCH2U psychology and navigation services are unique to HCF, no other health fund offers these same resources to eligible members^*.